I have been asked a number of times what is my love language? Every time I respond by saying, I don’t know. The first time I heard the question I was like huh, what are you talking about? I didn’t take much stock into it after it was explained to me. It sounded selfish to me. If I don’t speak your language that means I don’t love you and you will love me more if I talk your language. How does that mindset help a relationship become and stay strong? Although I noticed the negatives of this concept, I saw how this concept benefited relationships as well. You have to learn how to communicate with whom you’ve decided to love. As the years went by I tried to show love through the languages, but I never cared to figure what my love language was. I finally decided to take the test after numerous times of being asked, what’s your love language? I sat down, went to the link, started to take the test and couldn’t finish. I couldn’t relate to any of the questions. I tried to have an open mind, but having to pick one action over another is something that I couldn’t do. It seemed selfish and as long as I am being shown love I am happy. I am simple and I am able to translate all the languages of love. If you love me you will show it, and I am not concerned with which language you choose to speak. For me love isn’t about how someone shows their love, it’s all about when they decide to show it.
Anyone can show love but the question for me is will they show it when they should? It is easy to love some one during the good times. It’s easy to communicate to someone when everyone is happy with each other. You shouldn’t have any problems or question anyone loving you during those summer like days. But what about the rainy days or the winter months when times are tough and dark? The times when it looks like things won't be get better anytime soon. Will you choose the easy road and leave rather then fight together and grind it out. What language will you speak when you don’t want to talk? Will communication occur or will someone shut down?
How about when no one is looking? Are you showing love to the one you love when they are not around? Are they taking your feelings into account? Are they making you number one, when they do not have to? When you don’t have to show love, and nobody is looking, will you decide to not be selfish for the sake of the person you love? Are you doing your part to make sure you do not sabotage the relationship? Some storms do not have to occur because the correct decisions were made early on. Decisions that are made with love allows storms to be limited from within a relationship because sabotage is avoided.
Acts of Service is the closest language that best relates to this ideal but the definition doesn’t not necessarily support these thoughts. The 5 Love Languages from what I can tell does not discuss adversity and for me love is all about how you deal with adversity TOGETHER.
You can be upset, mad, or hurt and still not disrespect or hurt your loved one during those moments. I have never called anyone a b@#$h, said f%$k you or got disrespectful when I have been upset with someone I truly loved. I’m not going to lie and say I didn’t feel those words at the tip of my tongue or thought about things to say to hurt someone but I was conscience enough to make sure I didn’t. I showed emotion but I did not allow myself to be drowned by my emotions. My mom showed me how and why this was important even though she may not have known she was doing it (that's a deeper story for another time).
This is how I show my love and what I look for in love. I don’t have a love language because I am able to translate all the languages of love, but I am more concerned with how you talk when adversity hits us. Will we get stronger, strengthen our relationship or fold and move on from each other? I know what I have committed to and for how long. The question I need answered is, are you in it for life and beyond as well? You can only find that out when you learn how your mate handles adversity with and without you. These experiences also allow for people to understand how to "get the ear" of their loved one during adverse times. The dominant language may change during adversity or it may not even matter because they no longer listen and have shut down.
We live in a culture that divorce is okay. Commitment is short term. Long term doesn’t necessarily mean forever (why not say life term?). Words, actions and promises easily can be contradicted for the sake of living your best life. "YOLO" (You Only Live Once), "I’m doing me" or "I'm focusing on me" allows individuals to dismiss the importance of relationships and condones selfishness. Lying and cheating are okay and accepted as a norm. The idea of "hating" allows for people to feel better about their selfish actions.
Loving During Adversity allows you to analyze if a person you are interested in is actually going to be committed for life. With the way games are being played , a person can easily manipulate the 5 Love Languages and leave you confused. You can speak the languages of love without love, but adverse times shows whether love is present and how strong that love is.
Love never let you down, it was who you decided to love that let you down. Unfortunately, you have to understand how to differentiate love (shout out to my educators). Love comes with different levels. There are people you have to love from afar and those people are the ones you shouldn’t be in a committed relationship with. Loving During Adversity allows you to find your mate while protecting your heart during the process. Character and commitment are the cornerstone and life blood of a strong successful relationship. You shouldn’t fall in love with anyone until you understand how they handle adversity because adversity exposes not only your character but how committed they are to you.
Feel free to share your thoughts. I would love to discuss this further and please share if you agree.